(a.k.a. If Ya Thought My Last Post Was TMTH…)
Well, hello to you, too. Been away far too long. Don’t ask. Let’s just say, I’ve been madly disconnected, disinclined and disinterested. With everything else but my fave show on the planet, of course. So, since there’s nothing in my life remotely worth sharing right now,
this… is
American Idol.
So, we’re down to the final stretch of the show. Every year since Season 3 when I started following Idol like a religious experience, I’d always feel torn about reaching the end of the season. Ya know how it is, you want your favorite to win already (and so far, none of mine ever did – not Camile - say, who? - Velasco nor Bo nor Daughtry nor Blakey baby)... yet you know that when it's over, you’re gonna miss all the silly and annoying and exciting hullabaloo that the show never fails to deliver. I’m feeling about a dozen times that way this year, because I’m not gonna be having my weekly Rocker DC fix post-May 21st (or the 22nd, our time). Sob.
But for now, let’s reminisce about what's been up and down so far on the Idol stage, yes?
DC: "Arrogant? Smug? Pompous? I'm all right with that, Simon."Remember when I couldn’t stand the hawt rocker? Well, maybe you don’t, but Ate V sure does. She even has it documented on a saved IM chat log dated February 21, 2008. I called David Cook a “Daughtry wannabe”… er, which is actually what both Neo and I were calling him since his “worthy” (Simon’s word, not mine) Omaha audition when he sang ‘Living On A Prayer’ a tad too confidently, with that distracting faux hawk to boot. Ooh, burn! I sure started eating my words right after that mind-numbingly smexy ‘Hello’ Top 16 performance that knocked my virtual socks off. He’s been nothing but pure awesomeness to me ever since. Except for that one less-than-stellar Top 8 performance (stress about a beloved sick brother + break-up with girlfriend + high blood pressure + performing a song by his most fave band ever [no pressure!] = 'Innocent'), he's just been the most consistently gooood performer this season. And y-e-s, that has nothing to do with those killer eyes. Nothing. *crosses fingers behind back*

Remember when the Idol powers-that-be made damn sure that the two contestants with skeletons in their closets didn’t make it to the much-coveted and über lucrative - both for the prods and the contestants – Summer Idol Tour? Poor David ‘Strippergate’ Hernandez never had a chance in hell after he kept repeating that he worked at the “Pizza Bistro” (translation: Dick’s Cabaret in Glendale, AZ) on his Top 12 sound bite. Oh how I miss seeing him busting those stripper moves on the show, dang. On the other hand, the annoying female Pepe Le Pew, Amanda Overmeyer, who until the very end, acted like she was too cool for the Idol stage (but apparently not for the slammer), kissed her big, fat Idol Tour paycheck buh-bye by not making it to the anointed Top 10. Because of her DUI arrest record, perhaps? Well, honey, if ya act like you don't care to be there, then you don't hafta be, is all I can say. Who needs the wads of moolah and the exposure, right?
Remember when David Archie’s detestable stage dad made him bawl his eyes out during rehearsals for Week 12, which was probably the major reason for his fumbling with the lyrics of ‘We Can Work it Out’ during performance night? And, addressing this issue, remember when Simon berated Archie boy for not choosing his own song (‘You’re The Voice’) in the Top 10, implying that his demanding dad dictates what the boy wonder sings every week? C’mon, creepy daddy, isn’t it enough that the kid has to stay up way past his bedtime Tuesday and Wednesday nights to fulfill this dream which you probably want more than he does? Hmph.
Archie: "Why do I feel like Ross on Friends?"Still on the David who has yet to start shaving (as opposed to the one with the wicked scruff), remember when he wore those leather pants in the Top 7? Then the leather migrated up north into a jacket the next day during the Results Show? Ack. Did he shop at the juniors’ section? Or did Michael Johns accidentally leave a pair of pants behind after being voted off and the li’l boy had it altered like, 5 sizes down? Too funneehee. Note to Archie boy: man thighs
first, leather pants
second.
Chik: "I may not be a smokin' white rocker, but at least I've got a better hairline."Remember when Chikezie got voted off, and his final song on the Idol stage ('If Only For One Night') could very well be one of his worst performances? Aww. That actually made me feel so bad for him, I wanted the guy who loved orange pimp suits to stay and redeem himself, if only for one more effin’ week. Like Paula, I will never forget that name. Chikezie. Even if he foolishly dropped the Eze.
Rami: "My male Pikachu Possé won't like you touching my innocent ears, Dave."Remember when Ramiele Malubay never, ever, everrr learned how to use that big voice of hers till the very end, and she was voted off before Kristy Lee (no relation to the one who actually sings) Cook? In an effort to avoid being hurled rotten eggs by my
Kapusos and
Kapamilyas… I have nothing more to say about that. Well, except that I sorta miss her funky shoes. That is all.
KLC: "Must. Resist. Urge. To. Kiss!"Speaking of the Cook whom I don't care for enough to always be my baby… remember when Krusty the singing clown couldn’t seem to run out of lives like a cat, and instead, she actually proved to be kinda smart by strategically choosing the right songs that made America keep her on that stage till the – gasp! – Top 7? I mean, ‘God Bless The USA’ alone made the Beatles’ fans in all 50 states forgive her for butchering Lennon & McCartney’s ‘Eight Days a Week’, for goodness’ sakes. What a clever, conniving Barbie. Still, for someone who 99% of the time gets teary-eyed whenever Ruben Studdard celebrates a voted off contestant home, it was strange how indifferent I was during her exit video. I was truly celebrating her home.
JC: "Wake me up when its overzzz..."Remember when I had nada to say about Jason ‘Dreadhead’ Castro? Ever? Uhm. I still don’t. Except for this: that I’m the only one I know who is not only indifferent about the ukelele-playing-hey-dude-speaking guy who didn't know that Memory is from a musical about cats… I’m the only one I know who actually does not like him. I mean, even Simon likes the dread head, and Simon never likes anything that doesn’t have 4 paws and either meows or barks. And, my dislike for the guy has absofrickinlutely nothing to do with him reminding me of John Travolta in Battlefield Earth, by the way. He’s just way overrated is what methinks. And, in a competition where contestants like Gorgeous (a.k.a. David Cook) and Desperate (a.k.a. Carly Smithson) have so much passion practically oozing out of them to win that title, Terl – I mean – JC, seems like he’s just… cruising for a li’l bit of fun. IMHO anyways. Hmmkay. Next!
DC: "She's just - I'm sorry, can we start over? She's just fine, guys and gals!"Remember when Brooke was actually cute, in a Central-Perk-folksy-Phoebe kinda way? Then she started being too vexingly defensive for her own good with the judges, and after probably hearing and reading about all the negative feedback about her big mouth, she (at least) learned to shut up… ish? Her fuddy-duddiness has also gone to Mother Goose proportions, unleashing the rod in front of Cowell to chastise him for his insensitive remarks. WTF, Brooke? If you at least didn’t turn American Idol into the 'Stop-Delete-Reboot Show', I could probably still forgive ya, but sadly, now I must love you… no more. Can we do her a favor and help her stop all that poor trembling during her performances by sending her home this week, people? She’s clearly as uncomfortable on that intimidating Idol stage as I am in the front row of a wrestling match . She needs her intimate li’l lounge venues as much I need my American Idol. Both are quite - nay, VERY - sad, but true.
Syesha: "I'm pulling out MY bug guns again tonight."Remember when Syesha lost her voice during Hollywood Hell Week and had to talk to the camera by writing things down on sheets of paper and she was just lovely? Then suddenly she was doing that stupid baby cry shtick for the second scary time in her sound bite and she wasn’t? Gah. Not even that saucy ‘One Rock ‘N’ Roll Too Many’ performance made me a fan. She’s just… boooring and, for lack of a better term, insincere. What's worse than admitting you're more comfy acting like someone else than just being yourself? Oopsies, too much information, sistah. Wake me up when she go-goes…
MJ: "Likin' what you see, ladies?"Gasp! Speakin’ of being voted off, remember when the earth-shattering exit of the leading-man-handsome Michael Johns was made extrrra cruel by Gay – I mean – Seacrest? (Hey, what’s with all the touching of those sexy body parts of David Cook, Ryan? Didn’t he even wanna “grab” him after the rocker’s Day Tripper performance? *rolls eyes* Get off him, ya psycho!) Nothing – NOTHING – was more shocking than MJ being voted off in my book. Not even Chris Daughtry being sent home in the Top 4 of Season 5 left me in that much of a stupor. To add insult to injury… remember when MJ almost fell off that damn tiny stage behind the judges midway through his final song, thus disabling him to hit that final, vital high note in ‘Dream On’? Good gawsh. My heart just sank to the floor for him. Poor Aussie with the perfect tushie (oh c’mon, don’t tell me you didn't notice...). I hope his career that went down the tubes pre-Idol, will get a second wind post-Idol, so he can stop giving tennis lessons for a living. Then again, do we really want to see him out of those fine white tennis shorts?
Carly: "Has my husband left the building yet?"Remember when I disliked Carly ‘Morticia’ Smithson? A lot of difference a few weeks can make. By the Top 10, the Irish barmaid with the desperation of a hooker on a slow night and the tattoos of an ex-con got me listening with ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’. (I know, I know, it’s a cheesy song. Yet, it’s one of my fave karaoke tunes, so bite me.) Her clothing choices still puzzled me – I mean, where the heck did she spend their $400/week clothing allowance for?! – but by the Top 9, I became a fan. Totally. Her take on the Dolly’s ‘Here You Come Again’ was awesome! And so, I broke my ‘only for DC music’ rule and downloaded her Studio Version of that song from iTunes. Lemme tell ya, that gal’s voice is as clear as a bell. I love it. Then… inevitably, she had to go. Before Syesha (yawn). And before Brooke (grrr). I’m not surprised that she was voted off, as her fanbase is the size of David the Archie. Yet, I’m gonna miss Ms. Addams and that powerful voice of hers. *runs to iTunes to download pre-ordered Studio Version of Superstar*
DC: "I love ya kid, but y'know I'm totally gonna win this thing, don't you?"And finally (whew)... remember when Nigel Lythgoe and the rest of the Idol Power Pack shamelessly pimped their choice for the Final 2 on last week's Results Show? Helloooo. Putting the two Davids side-by-side before carting them off to the Couch of Safety (as opposed to those Spage-Age Stools of Doom) screams of them hoping for a Battle of the Davids at the Finalé.
Oh looky! One David's wholesomely adorable with the pretty voice of an angel. His tween fans dream to have his cute picture on their t-shirts. And there's the other David! He's broodingly sexy with the edgy voice of a true rock star, and his estrogen-pumped female fans dream of being his mic stand!

Not that I'm complaining. Personally, that's how I see the Finalé unfolding at the Nokia as well. Still. Way shameless. *shakes head*
Will we see the very first rocker in Idol history win that title? You betcha. That doesn't mean that li'l Archie boy won't be forging his own Disney path to success. We may even see him in High Shcool Musical 4. As for my fearless forecast on how this brawl of the century will turn out on May 21st (er, just so you know, I've never been right. But there's a first time for everything so...):

Why yes, Google, THAT'S exactly what I mean.
Need I say more? *winky wink*